That's a Stripper Name
by The Polish Queen
Summary: In Iceland, the legal age at which you can become a stripper is seventeen. Emil may or may not be one, but his family doesn't need to know that, okay? You hear that, Magnus? You don't need to know that. Human AU, side HongIce, side DenNor, side SuFin, hints of Seychelles x Taiwan, along with a bit of crack. Warning: Sexual themes. I do not own Hetalia.
1. Prologue

Emil opened the door as quietly as he could and stepped inside, closing it behind him.

"What the hell, Emil?" Lukas demanded from somewhere in the house, "You're home late, again."

_Fuck. _"Um, sorry?" He hesitantly replied.

Lukas poked his head around the corner to look at his brother, who seemed to tighten his grip on the purple backpack he had slung over his shoulder. "What's in the bag?" Lukas asked, raising an eyebrow.

Emil glanced around the room and swallowed, "Just, you know, school stuff. Homework and, like, books. Really boring. You wouldn't be interested."

Lukas narrowed his eyes and crossed the room. "Are you sure? You're looking awfully suspicious," He said accusingly, unzipping the bag and looking inside.

It was full of textbooks.

Emil smirked slightly to himself at Lukas' frustrated sigh. But, as he soon realized, he wasn't out of the deep end just yet.

"Alright, fine, but you still haven't told me where you were," Lukas pressed, "I highly doubt you were studying for the past three hours."

"I was... I was..." Emil struggled for an explanation, "I was with Li."

"Oh, okay," The taller boy said, nodding with exaggerated enthusiasm, "So If I were to text him right now and ask him if you were with him all afternoon, he would say yes?"

"Yeah, of course," Emil laughed anxiously. _God dammit, Li, _he thought and Lukas pulled his cell phone from his pocket, _you had better cover me on this. _He looked over his older brothers shoulder as he typed,

**Where the hell was Emil all afternoon?**

They waited for a moment and, eventually, Li sent,

**Y?**

Lukas groaned,

**Because he came home late and you, of all people, should know where he was.**

This time, it took a while longer to get a response, which only made Emil more scared. Finally, they received a reply,

**We wer at hte park, k?**

"See? I was with Li," Emil gloated, making a mental note to thank his friend.

Lukas frowned, "God dammit, I'm just looking out for you. You should be grateful you have such a wonderful big brother."

"Whatever," Emil scoffed, pushing past his brother to his room, "Goodnight."

He closed the door behind him and sighed in relief. He tossed his bag into the corner and collapsed onto his bed.

He had been stripping for the past three hours, of course he was tired.

_AN: Okay! Opening chapter=done! I know this idea is absolutely ridiculous but I got a lot of requests for it on Tumblr so here it is!_

_Human names used, in case you haven't figured it out yet:_

_Emil Steilsson= Iceland_

_Lukas Bondevik= Norway_

_Li Xiao Wang= Hong Kong_

_Names that will appear in the future:_

_Magnus Køhler= Denmark_

_Mei Wang= Taiwan_

_Michèle Langlois= Seychelles_

_Elise Vogel= Liechtenstein_

_Lars Oxenstierna= Ladonia_

_...And I think that's all of them!_

_I live for reviews, let me know what you liked, what you didn't like, what you think could happen in the future of the story, what you had for dinner last night, anything! _

_See you in the next chapter!_


	2. Chapter 1

_A/N: Okay, I know I haven't updated in FOREVER and I'm so sorry, I feel like shit. I know it's no excuse but I as really busy with a multitude of things including but not limited to: school, cosplay building, drawing, my goddamn novel, and, of course, Tumblr. Actually, blame Tumblr. Tumblr has stolen my life force. ANYWAY, it's finally here. And, since it's summer now, I hope to have more time to update more regularly. _

_Also, I totally didn't initially expect Monaco to be in this so apologies for not including her in my list of human names, the name I'm using for her is Lucille Labelle, and I did use a little artistic freedom to make her older than Iceland by a few years so don't mind that, she's still fairly young, too. In fact, there will be a lot of characters not on that list, so I should've mentioned that the list was only of characters with unofficial names DX whoops_

_I think every character that I didn't mention at this point will have an official name, but that's subject to change._

_Also, yay protective Hong Kong XD_

_Anyway, without further adieu, here's part two. (hey, that rhymed!)_

Backstage at the strip club was hot and cramped, and not in a sexy way.

Emil's outfit was impractical, uncomfortable, and silly-looking. In fact, the only part that he even mildly enjoyed wearing were the boots, they were white, with way-too-high block heels, and went up to just above the knee. They chafed, but he felt fucking fabulous in them, so it was okay.

He truly believed in making sacrifices for fashion.

Just as he disliked his uniform and work environment, he also disliked his boss.

The lady, Lucille Labelle might've been okay when she wasn't at work, but when she was, she was a ruthless girl insistent on perfection, and with Emil being entirely imperfect, that was a problem.

So why the fuck did he decide to work here? Well, that was a difficult question to answer.

It had more or less started when he was dared by his friends to perform a striptease a while back. He'd felt self-conscious being watched by his friends, but if he pretended that he didn't know them, he actually kind of liked the attention. So now, about a year later, it was his job to dance for strangers while scantily clad. Did he hate it? A little, but the money and attention were worth it in his mind.

Tonight, he had only just started work, but he could already hear that the club was packed. It was going to be a busy night, no doubt.

He checked the laces on his boots and top to make sure they were secure; he didn't need another _incident._ Everything was fine, all he had to do now was wait.

His phone buzzed, signaling he'd gotten a text. Then buzzed three more times.

He unlocked it and read the messages:

**Mei (8:52 pm, today): least I aint a hoe**

**Mish (8:52 pm, today): go b sexee, big boi ;) **

**Mish (8:53 pm, today): jk**

**Li (8:53 pm, today): ill fite any asshole who touches u, k?**

Typical. Mei, Michèle, and Li must've remembered when he started work. Maybe they were even together, making the collective decision to text him at the same time. He started to type a reply, but was interrupted by Miss. Labelle.

"Are you ready to go out?" She asked, staring him down.

He nodded.

She rolled her eyes, "Then get to your place! You're on in one minute!" Oh, right. He shoved his phone in his locker and ran to his place behind the curtain.

Time to put on a show.

.

Three hours later, he pulled his newly-earned cash out of his awful latex panties. Yes, latex panties. He stacked it on top of everything else he's gotten that day and started changing back into his day-clothes. When he was changed, he tossed the latex cage he'd just escaped from and the feather boa that went with it into his locker, grabbed his backpack and money, and left.

At the bus stop he counted his money, which ended up being an even 350$. That was the most he'd made in a while.

The bus arrived right on schedule, and he immediately climbed aboard. He handed the driver a wrinkled and slightly sweaty dollar bill, which he wrinkled his nose at, likely realizing the strip club was just around the corner as well as seeing the makeup still on his tired face, but still accepted it.

Emil took a seat in the back, avoiding contact with the other three passengers. He took out the wipes he stored in his bag and cleaned his face.

When he got off at his stop and made his way to his house, he was pleased to find his brother's car wasn't there. Emil worried for a second, then realized that this meant no coming up with half-assed explanations or relying on a friend's cover. He was home-free.

.

"Hey, hey, Emil," Lukas' voice chided, "Get the fuck up. You fell asleep on the couch again."

Emil blinked awake. "Where the hell were you last night?" He demanded, still groggy from sleep.

"Shit, I thought you wouldn't notice," Lukas muttered.

"You were with Magnus, weren't you?" Magnus was Lukas' boyfriend.

"Wha-? No, of course not."

"You were."

"Was not!"

"Yeah, I don't believe you," Emil informed, standing up and dusting himself off. "So, you wanna make breakfast?" He asked.

Lukas rolled his eyes. "It's already on the table. That's sort of why I woke you up. Come on." He took his brother by the wrist and led him to the table.

He limped.

Emil laughed.

.

_AN: How about that DenNor, huh? _


	3. Chapter 2

_AN: Okay, I know I only updates yesterday but I'm really feeling this fic right now and you guys seemed to like it so here we are! Thanks so much for the nice reviews, by the way. You guys made my day! Anyway, this is the chapter where shit goes down, so be prepared my friends. And, yes, I'm finally writing an actual strip-club scene._

_Also, guess which of my favorite characters decided to cameo! Hint: He's my profile pic. And now he's a stripper... Why did I decide to do this again? Also I apologize in advance for my use of the made-up term "heckski."_

_And, Mom, in case you're reading this, I'm so, so sorry I wrote it. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me._

_._

"You're kidding me, right?" Lukas demanded in disbelief, his phone held to his ear.

The statement caught Emil's attention and he listened intently to his brother's side of the call, trying to figure out what was being said on the other end.

"But you said we could- no I didn't mean tomorrow!," he paused, "Oh my god. You know what? I'm sorry. Never mind. Have fun." He hung up the phone, scowling.

Emil watched him, then asked, "What was that about?"

"Magnus thought our plans for today were for tomorrow, so he's going out with his friends and he's probably going to get drunk and then he's going to call me like he always does and just- ugh." He sat on the couch next to Emil, pinching the bridge of his nose as if just think about it gave him a headache, "I bet Li doesn't do this to you."

"Li and I aren't dating..."

"Wait, what?" Lukas interjected, "We need to fix that."

Emil backed up, "Yeah, okay, or, you know, not," he laughed nervously, "I've, uh, I've got to go." With that, he threw open the front door and rushed out.

The moment he was out he regretted leaving. His brother had already had a date spontaneously canceled on him, he definitely didn't need to spend the whole night alone. But, Emil had to go to work, and even if he didn't he was not going to deal with _that. _He knew how Lukas could get.

.

Just like yesterday, the club was full. He wondered what the hell Miss. Labelle was doing to get so many customers, because this was definitely more than usual. Or, maybe she wasn't doing anything. Maybe there was something else going on. Whatever the reason, he was glad for it, because more people meant more pay.

He was already off the stage, he only got about 45 minutes at the beginning of the night, so right now he was working the floor. That meant, that he was currently surrounded by drunk men, many of whom were desperate as hell, and he'd already given lap dances to fourteen of them. In fact, he was talking to a potential fifteenth at that exact moment. Or, he was, until he noticed a familiar head of spiked blond hair on top of a sweet, and completely out of place, freckled face across the room. He froze.

What the _fuck_was Magnus doing here?

"Hey, hey, Sweetheart," The man he'd been talking to, who hardly looked old enough to be called one, said, attempting to get his attention, "Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Huh?" Emil blinked at him, "Um, I'm sorry. I'm fine. Just, uh, excuse me for a moment." He forced a smile and hurried to the restroom where he locked himself in a stall, hoping to figure out what to do.

He couldn't let Magnus see him. Besides the embarrassment of him knowing his secret, he was Lukas' boyfriend as well, and there was no doubt in Emil's mind that he'd tell him.

But then, wait a minute,_ he was Lukas' boyfriend_. What was he doing at a strip club? There was no way on Earth that Lukas could possibly be okay with that, was there?

A knock on the stall door sent his thoughts scattering.

"Occupied!"

"Emil, it's me," Replied an unmistakable sing-song voice. It was Feliks, also known as 'Miss Fuchsia,' who just so happened to be the most popular dancer in the club.

Emil rolled his eyes, not that anyone could see them anyway, and groaned, "What do you want?"

Feliks sighed, "I want to know, like, what the heckski is wrong with you. Is everything okay?"

"I'm fine. I swear," Emil insisted, hoping he would leave and let him sort this out himself.

Suddenly, Feliks gasped as if in realization. "You're not pregnant, are you?"

"W-what?" Emil stuttered, "I have XY chromosomes! I can't get- Why would you ask that?"

"Right, sorry. It's just, like, I'm used to talking to Erszebet and that's totally what she says when... I'm going to stop talking now. Just, come back out soon. Miss. Labelle will be mad if you don't."

Emil listened until he heard the close before coming out. He checked himself in the mirror to be sure he was still looked good, then went back out into the club. There wasn't anything he could do to but go out there and hope Magnus didn't see him, so that's what he did.

It didn't work for very long, because soon he felt a tap on his shoulder which he turned towards only to find him face-to-face with the very person he'd been trying to avoid. He outwardly cringed.

"What the fuck?" Magnus asked, confusion written all over his face.

Emil frowned, "I could ask you the same question." God, what was he going to do? Now that he knew, he had to make sure he wouldn't tell, right? But they couldn't negotiate out here... "Come with me," he suddenly ordered, grabbing his brother's boyfriend by the sleeve and dragging him into a VIP room. He closed the curtain.

"I'm telling Lukas." Magnus warned.

Emil's mouth dropped open, "No you're not!"

"I don't know," The man countered, "This sort of seems like something he should know about."

"No, it really isn't! What on Earth makes you think that?!"

"Well what if you go missing?" He argued, "Then he'll at least know to look here-"

"My friends know that so he doesn't have to."

"He's your brother, Emil. You've got to tell him these things."

"He'd make me quit."

Magnus sighed. "No, he wouldn't," He assured the boy.

"Oh my god, just don't tell him!" Emil pleaded, desperate now.

"Okay... give me one good reason why I shouldn't."

He thought for a moment, wondering if there _was_ any good reason, until he finally had the perfect idea. "If you tell him I'm a stripper, then he'll find out you were at a strip club."

"Oh."

They were silent for a moment, until Emil suggested, "Let's just agree to pretend this never happened. Neither of us say anything to anyone. And we can just go on about our lives as normal. Agreed?"

Magnus considered it, then said, "Maybe."

"Maybe?" Emil exclaimed, trying to still, somehow, not be too loud, "What do you mean, 'maybe?'"

"I'll think about it, that's what I mean." He turned to leave only to be stopped by Emil's small, pale hand.

"You've got to pay me for my time."

Magnus rolled his eyes but took out his wallet. "Dammit, how much?"

"Fifty bucks."

His jaw dropped, "That's highway robbery!"

"That's the fee for a VIP room."

He handed over the money. "By the way, what's your stripper name?"

Emil hesitated, then told him, "Ice-Cold Angel."

"Okay, that's bad."


End file.
